What to do if your child won't settle at school

Only a few weeks ago, when it still felt like summer, 10 million children trooped back to school in their slightly oversized uniforms. And most of them will have had butterflies in their stomachs. According to recent research, four year olds starting primary school and 11 year olds beginning secondary school both have increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol for several months after the new term starts – and that includes extrovert, sociable children, not just the wallflowers. 

This is also a peak time of year for distress calls to the charity childLine, according to tV presenter and childLine volunteer Anna Williamson. “Many children feel they’re struggling to fit in and are worried about friendship groups,” she says.

Every parent hopes their child will stride through the school gates and never look back. But if yours is still unhappy – even after several weeks – here’s what to do

Question time

Very young children probably don’t know what the problem is, so you will need to find out. but go carefully and avoid pumping them for information as soon as they come in from school. “Try bath time when they feel relaxed and secure,” says Anna. “Avoid questions with a yes or no answer such as, ‘Did you have a good day?’ Instead, try, ‘What did you enjoy most at school today?’ or, ‘Was there anything you didn’t enjoy?’” Sometimes, what your child doesn’t say will provide the clue. 

“Listen to the gaps in their conversation,” says Antonia. “Are they avoiding mentioning friends, or the teacher, for example?”

Often the problem can turn out to be quite minor from an adult’s point of view, even though it looms large to the child: a fear of using the school loo, perhaps, or an aversion to the lunches. or it can be academic, particularly after the step up from Year 1 to 2. “Suddenly they are expected to be sitting like little soldiers when in the previous year they still had the dressing-up box in the classroom,” says Janette Wallis from The Good Schools Guide.

Hold your fire

If your child is unhappy, it’s natural to want to rush into school and sort the problem out – but try to wait a full four weeks before going in, says Janette. “I can remember a family who phoned us and said their child had started at the school that day and hated it, so they were going to send her somewhere else. But by the fourth week, the girl was as happy as could be.” 

Janette advises seeing the class teacher first, even if you suspect that he or she won’t be much help, and keeping your tone neutral and non-accusing.

“If you do go in, ask to see the teacher without the child present, and ask open-ended questions such as, ‘I’m trying to find out why she doesn’t want to go to school. Is there anything you’ve noticed?’” adds Antonia.

Stay strong

It’s tempting if your child is crying and screaming, but letting them stay at home “just this once” isn’t a good idea

f your child is still distressed when you get to school, take this opportunity to talk to the teacher. Stay for a short time then gradually withdraw, moving closer and closer to the door. “If after 15 minutes your child is still in tears, go anyway,” says Valerie. Chances are the child will be fine by break time and if the school will allow it, you could always wait in the office, unseen, until things calm down.

Secondary 

Give it time

"If your child took a long time to settle at primary school, don’t expect them to take off straight away at senior school,” says Janette Wallis. “It can take some children three years to truly settle and find friends.”

The transition to senior school is a huge jump. Your child has to master the journey, organise a school bag and deal with homework – all on top of making new friends. So expect the first half-term to have its rocky moments and bear with it.

What did you do today?

Never ask a secondary-school child this question – you are sure to get the time-honoured answer, “Nothing.”

If you suspect settling problems, ask open-ended questions when your child is relaxed, perhaps while you are both doing something else, such as cooking or laying the table.

Boys, particularly, prefer those side-by-side conversations where they don’t feel put on the spot,” says Anna Williamson. “Make sure they know you are happy to hear about the bad things as well as the good. If they think you want to hear, ‘Everything’s great, Mum,’ they may be reluctant to confide if things are not going well.”

READ MORE AT